Guards for what?

To be a distance runner is to be completely content with your body, or at least that is what I am coming to realize myself. I guess it was only a matter of time before I found these things out and was introduced to the underworld of the distance running culture. 

"Dad, the run was fine, I got a pretty tired during the last mile or so. But, the one thing...um...the one thing that I...uh...bothered me the most were...um..."

"Your nipples?"

"What?! How did you know?!"

"Welcome to distance running. Just use some vaseline and a few band aids, or get a package of nipple guards.

[MUSIC SKIPS]

"Excuse me? Nipple what?"

Yeah, I heard correctly, nipple guards. Apparently this chafing business is a common problem among long distance runners and can get quite painful, which I found out this morning in the shower: soap + nipple chafe= not a fun experience. And for some, it can be quite embarrassing as this poor guy found out:

I don't know what your power song is, sir, but you need to invest in some nipple guards because that is nasty. I know, I didn't know they existed either. So as I was....

What? No, it is not a fanny pack.

What? No, it is not even related to the fanny pack family. Beat it, sir, you are not funny. Go take care of your nipples.

Anyway,as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, they actually sell these guards at specialty running stores like Marathon Sports here in Boston. Check these things out:

Maybe I am a bit immature, but I would be hesitant to walk up to any counter and plop these down.

"Yeah, I will take this hat, these socks and the *cough* nipple guards *cough*."

I would be afraid that the clerk would ask for a price check over the loud speaker.

"Price check on NIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPLE GUUUAAAAAAARDS. This guy needs a price check on NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPLEEEEE GUUUUUUUUUUUUURDDDDDDDDSSSSSSS!"

OK, so maybe I live and think that life reflects the movies but whatever. I don't care who you are, you don't walk up to the counter not feeling weird about the fact that you are buying something called NIPGUARDS.

With that said, best believe that I will be picking up a pack or two on my way home from work. Sorry, pops, I am not going to rub vaseline on my nipples. And for further reference, please never utter that phrase to me ever again, please.